After the recent media furor over Dick Cheney’s hunting accident, I have given much thought on just how we might avoid such needless incidents of injury and death in the future. It would appear that in this case, we should follow the liberals’ logic (now there’s and oxymoron) to solve the problem.
First let’s address the immediate problem: People die every year from hunting and other firearm-related accidents. It is therefore obvious that we must ban all guns from our society. Just think! No one will ever be hurt by a gun again!
Next – thousands of people die each year in automobile accidents. More, in fact, than do from firearm accidents. It is thus equally obvious that all motor vehicles must go. Park your Toyota in the back yard and use it as a planter.
I had first thought that bicycles might be an appropriate replacement for cars, but after further review of the numbers I’ve discovered that people are often hurt and sometimes even killed in bicycling accidents. Same goes for horses. Back in the 1800’s many people were run down by spooked horses and runaway buggies. Any of you who live near an Amish village please tell these folks the location of the nearest glue or dog food factory. The horses and bicycles must go. Safety first!
So, I guess we’ll be walking everywhere. By the way, we must also ban running. Every year a number of people are hurt in jogging and running accidents. And we should caution police that they shouldn’t run after those who break the anti-running laws. The accident danger of high-speed pursuit is well-known. They can radio ahead and have other officers standing by to walk out and stop the runner.
You know, I’m feeling safer already…
But wait! There is always the danger of stepping on a mole hill or other unseen hazard and breaking an ankle. If we are to follow the superior logic of the liberal left, we must therefore ban walking as well. Sorry folks, but you’ll have to stay home. It’s just too dangerous out there.
Of course, people get killed every day in accidents at home, too. Kitchen fires, gas leaks, exploding hot water heaters, falls down the steps…… why, the list is endless! Okay, so to be totally safe not only must you stay at home but you must also tear down your house. And do not stand under a tree when it rains, either. Remember the always - imminent danger of being struck by lightning. Doggone it, is there no way to be totally safe in this world?
WAIT A MINUTE!!! I am having a revelation!
Yes! I can see it clearly now. There is a common thread to all accidents. It’s people! None of the above accidents could have happened without the presence and involvement of Homo sapiens. No gun ever cocked itself and fired. Someone had to pull the trigger. No car ever started up and ran over someone of its own accord. Someone had to drive it.
Yep. That settles it. A ban on people should be enacted immediately. It’s the only way.
Yes, I know I’m being absurd. But let’s face it friends – life isn’t safe. You can take every precaution in the world and still break your neck in the shower. The liberal busy bodies in the media could do us all a service by giving Mr. Cheney and Mr. Whittington a bit of privacy and concentrating on real news. If this had happened to two ordinary citizens instead of a vice president and a friend, we’d never hear a peep from the media about it. It is unfortunate that the media sees fit to lift itself up via sensationalism instead of quality reporting.
Contrary to the blather of George Soros and MoveOn.org, Dick Cheney is just as human, and just as fallible, as the rest of us. Give the guy a break, okay?
Alan Burkhart is a freelance political writer, cross-country trucker, and proud citizen of the reddest of the Red States - Mississippi. You can reach him via e-mail at: alan@alanburkhart.com or by visiting his website: www.alanburkhart.com.
