From: Dave Screwtape
To: Senator John McCain
Subject: Screwtape 2006 #2: My Advice to Senator John McCain
Senator, I was appreciative when your office contacted me with an offer to work for your campaign. It truly shows the Senator’s gracious wisdom in seeking advice from outside the GOP. Unfortunately, I am but a poor consultant, a mere servant of the Democratic Party and its causes, not a man of brave principle such as you.
Still, I’ll give you a brief assessment of how you’re doing and how you can do any better, if the Senator will graciously consider my advice to be as much importance as the advice of the media. So, listen from the advice of a heartfelt admirer.
First of all, I think you do an amazing job by elevating every proposal to reform. On immigration, you never attack someone for opposing a guest worker program or one that would create difficult enforcement provisions, but rather they’re enemies of reform. This does well, as you can avoid the specifics of the bill and talk about it being positive because its “reform.” For everyone knows that we need reform and it’s a good thing. Those who oppose reform are the enemies of our nation. It is splendid.
What you need to do is to just be yourself. Say whatever comes to your mind, for your wisdom is like an oracle, as if it were spoken by Solomon. Remember that to be stronger, sometimes you have to amputate unnecessary parts.
You are greater than the religious right and anti-immigration crowd. Republicans need you! You’re right and they’re wrong. They can either accept it or they can get out of the Republican Party. Its your party and you’ll open the borders if you want to!
You must surround yourself with people who speak to you in that respectful tone that I speak. You need people who will build you up, not challenge you. They need to be men and women of wild eyed passion, who know (just as surely as you know) that they stand in the presence of a legend.
Don’t take advice from those who believe your war service doesn’t merit special consideration on today’s politics. You know, Senator, that your war service has endowed you with insight that the draft dodging, National Guard-serving plebeians in your party can never understand and never let them forget it for one moment.
Just remember always that you are the paragon and epitome of moral virtue and all that is good in this country, and never let anyone else forget it either. As they say, if you have it flaunt it.
Do this and I give you my 100% guarantee as one honest man to the greatest living Senator of our age, that the election will come out in the best way possible.
Most Humble Regards
Dave Screwtape
The Screwtape Report is written by Adam Graham. The Screwtape Report is written from a Democratic perspective by a conservative in order to reveal Democratic strategy and thinking. The first set of Screwtape Reports written from 2003-2004 are available in book form from Lulu Press.
