There’s a storm brewing south of the border, and his name is Hugo Chavez. The Venezuelan president is one odd character, part Karl Marx and part Groucho Marx. And 100% whack job.
Somewhat unique among world leaders, Chavez has no filter when he speaks. He’s like Dustin Hoffman in “Rainman” (Chavez once said that he could still smell the sulfur at the podium after George Bush gave a speech at the UN). And, boy, Chavez can talk. On his weekly “Hello President” TV show, he’s been known to go on for hours and cover topics as mundane as dancing Brazilian women in string bikinis - a titillating topic to be sure, but somewhat lacking in terms of statesmanship. I checked with my grandmother, and she doesn’t recall FDR opining about flappers in corsets during his fireside chats.
In addition to saying whatever is on his mind, Chavez will throw the gloves down at the slightest provocation, especially if Americans are involved. When Condoleezza Rice referred to him rather diplomatically as a “challenge to democracy,” Chavez snapped. “She messed with me again,” he said, “don’t mess with me, girl.”
If this had come from a normal world leader, we would be inclined to say, “Whoa! Where did that come from?” But this is Chavez, to whom normal does not apply. And, considering that he is proudly driving his country over a cliff of autocratic socialism, it’s difficult to see what one could find either inaccurate or insulting in Rice’s statement.
One can only imagine the penalty for using the wrong dinner fork in the Chavez household.
The pièce de résistance of Chavez’ strange ranting came when U.S. officials expressed concern over Venezuela’s new “enabling law,” which gives Chavez the authority to pass laws by decree. "Go to hell, gringos! Go home!" Chavez said, "What does the empire want? Condoleezza said it. How are you? You've forgotten me, missy ... Condoleezza said it clearly, it's about creating a new geopolitical” (map in the Middle East).
Don’t bother reading that quote a second time. It won’t make any more sense.
As a result of his semi-intelligible, anti-American huffing and puffing, Chavez has earned more than a few friends. The Iranians gave him their highest state award, the Islamic Republic Medal. The usual Hollywood leftists – Danny Glover and Harry Belafonte – have praised the Venezuelan’s bold, socialist experiment. Finally, Chavez shares great respect and admiration with Cuba’s Fidel Castro, of whom Chavez must consider himself something of a protégé. Indeed, with near fan club devotion, Chavez had made it a habit to provide regular updates on Castro’s declining state of health.
Chavez’ inside scoop on Fidel’s deathwatch comes from Cuba’s Vice-President, Carlos Lage. "Lage told me that Fidel walked I don't know how many minutes yesterday," Chavez said recently, noting that he thought Castro might be watching his speech on television. "He's walking more than me, almost jogging. Maybe he's walking while watching us." Or maybe he’ll download the podcast! Castro loves listening to me during Spin!
Chavez’s took his curious fawning to new heights when he proudly displayed a letter, supposedly sent and signed recently by Castro, on Venezuelan TV. “I'm going to show you something, for those who say that Fidel is dying, that he can't talk, that he can't move," said Chavez, "look closely at the strokes of the signature. We are extremely happy, Fidel, about the news of your recuperation."
Ah. Now, there’s a solid medical diagnosis for you. Nothing indicates full recovery from a life-threatening intestinal infection like the bold strokes of a pen! If Chavez thought that Elvis was still alive, no doubt he would hold up a copy of the National Enquirer as proof. Look! Elvis was seen pumping gas in Flint, Michigan! Welcome back, King.
Castro may want to get a second opinion.
If he were not sitting on top of a wealth of crude oil, with about 1.5 million barrels of that bound for the U.S. every day, Chavez would be more comical than cause for concern. He’s already become a parody of himself - a South American version of Baghdad Bob, with his own TV show to boot.
But he does have oil, as well as the fate of nearly 27 million Venezuelans in his hands. And it’s not just the creeping autocracy and seizure of private property that should be alarming. Maybe something gets lost in the interpretation from Spanish, but Chavez just sounds loony. It’s tough to see this guy running a local PTA meeting, much less an entire country. But in the politics of putsch, the erstwhile army lieutenant colonel has found himself at the helm of South America’s largest oil economy.
To be fair, he was elected three times and his people seem to love him – for now, at least. But there is a fine line between goofy and just plain dangerous.
And the unpredictable Chavez is flirting more and more with the latter.