Last month my column highlighted the often-neglected voices of fathers in the abortion debate. Afterwards, several men contacted me to recount their painful memories.

Wayne Auman of North Carolina was one of those courageous men. His memories are so vivid and his pain so poignant, I invited him to share the story in his own words:

It all began in 1981, I was dating an incredible girl, and we planned to eventually marry. We had been together over a year, and we were crazy in love. Then one September day she approached me with tears in her eyes and told me she was pregnant. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

After the shock wore off, I suggested we get married and start our family. I was stunned when she refused. I tried to tell her she would love our baby so much, and most of all, that abortion is murder. She cried at me to stop, saying that she had made up her mind, it was her body, and this was the “easy” solution to her problem.

She also told me I was making a difficult decision harder by “preaching” to her. In retrospect, I didn’t preach nearly enough. If I had tried harder, she may not have gone through with it. I will always regret not fighting harder to save the life of our son.

When the day came to do the procedure, I was depressed, scared, and worried about my girlfriend. Upon entering the non-descript waiting room, I felt a dozen pairs of female eyes suspiciously evaluate me. The atmosphere was dark, dreadful, and depressing. The feeling of shame was palpable. Muted whispers and muffled sobs were heard in a far corner.

As I tried to comfort my girlfriend, I told her it wasn’t too late to change her mind. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes when she refused my offer. The look was a pleading, agonizing glimpse into her soul.

During the time my girlfriend was gone, the stillness of room was shattered by a piercing wail of pain from the procedure room. I will never forget the desperation and agony of that scream.

I feared that it was my girlfriend so I got up to ask a staff member. I was instructed that I was to sit down and wait quietly. When I insisted that someone check on my girlfriend, my request was met with a contemptuous glare. Eventually, someone did check on her and informed me it was not my girlfriend who had cried out.

An hour later she emerged. Hunched over, clutching her purse and prescription, she shuffled slowly into the waiting area, and stifled a painful moan. My heart broke into a thousand pieces, never to be whole again. I mourned for her, her wounded soul, but most of all, for our dead child. We had knowingly, deliberately, murdered a child.

And for what? So she could be a college student and have a career, unencumbered by the responsibilities of raising a child?

The effects of the procedure were traumatic. My girlfriend experienced heavy bleeding, severe abdominal pain, and anemia. She was physically affected for months afterward, and is spiritually affected to this day. She refused all attempts to talk about our ordeal. I realized that she experienced something profoundly more horrible than she had expected.

That meant that I would have to deal with my tortured emotions alone, as we agreed not to tell anyone of the deed. This proved to be too much for me to bear, and our relationship would never be the same. One murderous act succeeded in killing not only our child, but the incredible love we had for one another.

Now I am blessed beyond my dreams with a wife and three incredible sons, 11, 8, and 4. I am grateful to God that I have found forgiveness and restoration. I will never forget, however, the life that God intended to be born, I allowed to be murdered.

Don’t let anyone tell you that abortion is a quick, easy solution to an unwanted pregnancy. What appears to be an easy solution has life-long consequences. Twenty-five years later, I am still haunted by the memories of that day, and the lost life of my beloved son. Every day of my life, I know that I’ll wonder.

So on the 25^th year anniversary of the abortion, I composed a ballad called “I Wonder: A Love Song to the Son I Never Knew,” which can be seen on YouTube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP44BEGnXec .

Here are the lyrics:

“I Wonder: A Love Song to the Son I Never Knew”

Wayne Auman & Jamie Dickmann © 2007

Performed by Jamie Dickmann

You never had a birthday,But I remember you my unborn son.25 years since you passed away,Was there anything more I could have done?

We were so in love,That’s what we were,Not a care in this great big world.I must admit you were not thought of,Until God’s plan for us unfurled.

I wonder what you would have become,If choice had not got in the way,Of hearing you laugh and watching you run.In my heart your life has begun,Who had the right to deprive usOf all of the things we’d have done?

I Wonder...

Precious gift, that’s what you were,God built his work within her womb,But a hardened heart and a selfish wish,Turned that place into your tomb.

I wonder what you would have become,If choice had not got in the way,Of hearing you laugh and watching you run.But in my heart your life has begun,Who had the right to deprive usOf all of the things we'd have done?

I Wonder...

My only peace is knowingThat He is at your side.That He holds you close,And tucks you in at night.

I’ll bear this empty hole,Without you in my life,Knowing that someday,You’ll run to me - eternally.

I wonder what you would have become,If choice had not got in the way,Of hearing you laugh and watching you run.In my heart your life has begun,Who had the right to deprive usOf all of the things we’d have done.

I wonder what you would have become,If choice had not got in the way,Of hearing you laugh and watching you run.We’ll always be father and son,Who had the right to deprive usOf all of the things we'd have done.

I Wonder...