The following is satire in the light of many negative attacks in this current campaign season and imagines Jesus Christ as a candidate for Congress in Ohio in our current environment. All allegations raised in the story are based on events in Christ's life or things that were said about him by his opponent.
Nazareth, OH-Many questions are being raised about local carpenter and Congressional Candidate Jesus Christ. The explosive allegations have rocked his campaign.
Sei Tan, a local lawyer, has a blog dedicated to raising these questions. “The people of Nazareth need to know about this guy’s record.”
Tan has questioned Christ’s decision-making skills. “The guy has no judgment on personnel matters.” While Tan is generally disdainful of the idea of choosing fishermen to start a world religion, he reserves special scorn for two particular appointments.
“First of all,” said Tan. “The guy is soft on terrorism.” Tan points to alleged terrorists pasts by Apostles such as Judas Iscariot and Simon the Zealot. “Who’s going to be his chief of staff? Osama bin Laden?”
In addition, Tan alleges that Iscariot plundered Christ’s ministry. Tan went on. “Finding a terrorist embezzler is actually a challenge, because those are contradictory impulses, but this guy managed to do it.”
Newspaper Editor Bill Zebub assaulted Christ for making controversial statements.
“Christ is clearly a terrorist,” said Zebub. “He’s threatened to destroy the temple in Columbus and rebuild it in three days.”
Zebub further alleged Christ’s followers are not the peaceful lot Christ makes them out to be. “They’re a cannibalistic cult and Christ himself instigated it. He told people they had to eat his flesh and drink his blood.”
Zebub further alleges that they haven’t always lived up to his stated high ideals. “You can judge a man by the quality of his supporters, and look at the low down scum that favor Christ. We’re talking liars, con men, murders, and frauds. Christ himself hangs out with some of the worst sort of people--pornographers, drug dealers, and sex offenders.”
Indeed, the Nazareth Herald has obtained exclusive photos of Jesus sitting with alleged local mob boss Zach Cheuso. When arriving in Jericho, Christ visited the gangster known as “Mr. Big.” In a public announcement after the event, Cheuso declared he’d turned over a new leaf, and announced he would do only honest business and he would repay anyone he cheated four times what was owed.
However, law and order advocate Cae Aphas scoffs at the idea that Cheuso could change. “By associating with Cheuso, Christ is in effect endorsing every crime that Cheuso committed.”
Tan, on his blog, is also reporting sexual rumors about Christ, including relationships involving female supporters and even male associates. Said Tan, “We don’t have any proof, but the public has a right to know.”
Others allege Christ has issues with substance abuse and an eating disorder. Said Dr. Nehemiah Nori, “His cousin went around dressed like a caveman and survived on locusts and honey. He, however, prefers to wear what looks quite a bit like a dress, and tends towards binge eating. I also have reliable people who tell me he’s a drunk.”
Professor Anna Nias questions his background. “This Christ was born in Bethlehem, OH and grew up right here in Nazareth. Excluding one trip to Cairo, NM during infancy, he hasn’t traveled more 200 miles from Nazareth in his entire life. How could he represent us in Washington DC? If that's not bad enough, the man only has a High School Diploma.”
A united effort across ideological, social, and political lines has come together against Christ’s campaign, but even that might not stop him. Nine major Christ opponents came together and met for six hours yesterday to strategize. After the meeting, as Professor Nias left, looking harried and haggard from the long meeting, I asked her what her thoughts were.
She professed frustration with the inability of the group to stop the Christ juggernaut. Exasperated, she said, “I wish we could just crucify him.”
If the world hate you, ye know that it hated Me before it hated you. –John 15:8
"The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household!”-Matthew 10:24,25
