The Federal Historical Preservation Agency (FHPA) has revealed the reason, and the results, of a closely guarded secret project in southern Louisiana.
Earlier today in an exclusive interview with Renaldo Primavera, FHPA Southeastern District Secretary Aloysius "Bubba" Thibodaux announced that a buried city, believed to be the legendary Lost City of New Orleans, has been almost completely excavated from beneath millions of tons of mud, silt, and rock.
"It's amazing," said Thibodaux, "that we've found this right under our noses after all these years."
Amazing, indeed. For centuries, historians have debated the existence of this city, supposedly destroyed by a gigantic storm during the early Twenty-first Century. Rumor has it that in the year 2649 an archaeologist from Mississippi State University discovered a 600 year-old chest containing documents belonging to someone named "K. Blanco" who was evidently an official of the state of Louisiana during the city's final years. University records from this period are incomplete, but evidence suggests that the documents were confiscated by the federal government and that university officials were ordered not to speak to the media about the incident.
Now, four hundred years later, the Blanco documents have been rediscovered in recently declassified government archives. Details regarding their origin are still sketchy at best. Nevertheless, Halliburton, the federal government's primary construction and exploration contractor, was assigned the task of digging up the Gulf Coast Wetlands in search of anything that might prove the existence of the city.
A system of "highways" (large pathways of artificial stone used for transportation during the time period) has been uncovered. The overall pattern of these primitive ribbons of stone matches that of a map included in the Blanco documents. Other discoveries include a huge domed structure, believed to be some sort of public meeting place or perhaps an arena, along with a number of small sailing vessels that for some reason were found lying along the highways instead of nearer to the Gulf of Mexico.
According to Thibodaux, the city's demise was due mainly to poor planning on the part of those who designed it, and that the problem was exacerbated by a lack of federal funding to correct the problem in later years.
"The city was built almost entirely below sea level," Thibodaux claims, "and the drainage and levee systems were inadequate to handle the flood waters created by the storm that destroyed it. According to the information we've been able to glean from these old records there was a contentious political debate in the years leading up to the storm regarding funding for an upgrade of the levee system and also the system of pumps that were supposed to remove flood waters from the streets."
When asked, Thibodaux claimed he had no idea why the government of that time didn't simply ask Halliburton to fix the problem.
"Who knows?" he added, "Maybe Halliburton didn't exist back then. It was a primitive period in our history."
One FHPA official, quoted on condition of anonymity, claims that the city actually survived the storm but was so badly damaged that rather than fund its repair, the government buried it instead.
Even before the reason for the huge dig was known, Senate Minority Leader Tiberius Kennedy has voiced outrage over the decimation of the wetlands region.
"This is exactly the kind of irresponsible activity that the current administration is famous for. Destroying our wetlands is doing nothing more than increasing the danger we face from the Global Warming Crisis," Senator Kennedy said when he was finally located in a Boston bar.
President Limbaugh, presently in the third week of his Lunar vacation, says that he's "thrilled" at the discovery and that liberals on Capitol Hill should not "use events that occurred almost a thousand years ago for political gain."
The President plans to tour the area later this week.
There is currently some disagreement about the mysterious domed structure which lies at the heart of the city. Vatican officials are requesting that no further investigation take place at the dome until Catholic historians finish a study of the Blanco documents. The disagreement centers around references to a group of fifty-three saints who are purported to have lived inside the dome. Earthlings United for Separation of Church and Galaxy, a religious watchdog group, claims that this is nothing more than Catholic demagoguery and has threatened a civil suit if the Vatican does not retract its request.
Another group, Transvestites United for a Clean Environment, has stated on their website that New Orleans was once a hub for the fossil fuel industry and the entire site should remain buried.
"There are a lot of totally dangerous, uh, you know... chemicals and stuff down there," said Alice Franken, chairperson of TUCE.
Halliburton has stated that the fossil fuel industry never produced any dangerous chemicals or byproducts and that claims to the contrary are no more than partisan attempts to discredit the President in an election year. Rumors that Halliburton received the excavation contract outside of the standard bidding process had not been confirmed at press time.
At present, FHPA officials are still restoring many of the Blanco documents, so much remains unknown. More on the ongoing excavation and the contents of the documents will be posted here as it becomes available.
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Author's Note: Some may think it insensitive of me to write a tongue-in-cheek piece so soon after Katrina. My reply would be that this is stress relief. I live in Southeastern MS. Many of us are still without power and clean water. Sometimes you have to laugh a little to keep from screaming, ya know?
Alan Burkhart is a freelance political writer, cross-country trucker, and proud citizen of the reddest of the Red States - Mississippi. You can reach him via e-mail at: alan@alanburkhart.com or by visiting his website: www.alanburkhart.com.
