Remember the legendary “Dukakis in the Tank” Ad run by Republicans during the 1988 Presidential election campaign. It was priceless – the hapless Dukakis, pathetically poking his head through the top of a tank as he rode around with a goofy grin on his face; the helmet he wore…three sizes too big. At the time, Dukakis, the hopelessly liberal Senator from Massachusetts, was considered weak on defense and desperately needed to reverse that perception in the eyes of the American public…Sound familiar?

Recently, in an effort to prove to America that he is all things “Alpha Male” – hear him roar! John Kerry went-a-goose-huntin. The clearly contrived photo-op was sidesplitting. Kerry, decked out in a stiff, brand-new camouflage get-up, emerged from the woods at daybreak with shotgun in hand. Some poor dope (apparently one of John and Teresa’s hired servants…come along James…) was carrying the Senator’s limp and lifeless goose. Chin high, shoulders back, face stern and with a steely-eyed Clint Eastwood-esk gaze, Kerry looked to the eager media as if to say – “See…I’m a tough guy! Anything Bush can do I can do better! And I didn’t even mess up my manicure.”

Rumor has it that PETA (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals) will soon be holding a memorial service for the goose, who until recently answered to the name “Lucky.” In an emergency press conference, Ingrid Newkirk, cofounder and president of PETA opined, “It’s always a tragedy when one of our feathered brethren must die for the better good of Animal Kind. John Kerry must be elected President. Lucky is truly a martyr for the cause. I’m confident that he is in poultry paradise as we speak, coddled by seventy-five virgin chicks.”

When shown a photograph of the event and asked if the goose hunt refuted the notion that John Kerry was anti-gun and anti-Second Amendment, National Rifle Association Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre spewed Dr. Pepper from his nose in an outburst of violent and uncontrollable laughter.

And so, Republicans have their “Dukakis in the tank” moment for the 2004 Presidential election. Perhaps, some enterprising and crafty 527 will (very quickly) put together the “Kerry in Camouflage” Ad that will help send him back to his Boston Country Club with Dukakis, to drown sorrows in mimosa, and commiserate over tough-guy stunts gone a-fowl.

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the writing of this article.

Copyright © 2004 by J. Matt Barber

J. Matt Barber is a non-practicing attorney, an undefeated heavyweight professional boxer (Matt “Bam Bam” Barber), and a jazz drummer in the Chicago (IL) Land area. In addition to his Law Degree, Barber holds a Master of Arts in Public Policy from Regent University (Virginia Beach, VA). Matt is a Contributor to the Washington Times “Insight Magazine,” and a Columnist and Contributing Editor for TheConservativeVoice.com e-news publication.

E-mail your comments to Matt, at jmattbarber@comcast.net